Because I am not stupid, I am stupid indeed
It was exactly eighteen hours before my midterm essay was due when I got a call from my girlfriend. Starting the sweet conversation by calling each other “ honey,” we whispered cheesy words to each other with mushy feelings in the air. It would have been perfect if this had continued, but after five minutes we got into a fight. We yelled at each other in high-pitched voices, not listening to each other and not saying I am sorry nor I love you. So the abrupt conclusion: we decided that we needed some time. I said it’s getting tiring. I told her we should have some time to think this over. She agreed. Now, we are in a tepid state in which we didn’t break up but we stopped our SNS connection, the only means by which we had been connected in our long distance relationship.
I said, directly and clearly, “Even though I consider marrying you, you do not meet my standards.” I was not talking about outward appearances. I was thinking and talking about our socioeconomic differences. I personally regard and understand marriage in an economic sense, as two similar companies merging and producing synergy for betterment. This could be seen as a very greedy, materialistic view that challenges love, which should be sacred and pure. Yet, I believe that there are things that cannot be overcome only with love, especially when faced with reality. I believe that similarity creates unity. Two individuals have to be similar socioeconomically and financially in order for them to be well off in unison. Also, I believe that narrowing this socioeconomic gap before getting married will definitely eliminate a majority of the problems that could arise between the husband and wife.
I am just too embarrassed to list the many things that we fight about, but this was one of the reasons for our casual fights. I confess that I was unconsciously looking down on her based on my perception of this class boundary. However, the fact that I am a little better off than her or the fact that I am actually feeling and recognizing these kinds of emotions makes me mad. Like she said, perhaps I am selfish. Like she said, I am perhaps prejudging her without knowing every single part of her. Yes, I have to survive in this jungle-like world. Yes, I want my kids to be educated in a comfortable atmosphere, just like I was. Yes, I would like to start a little bit ahead of my colleagues. So in order to “survive,” these are the factors that I should consider in choosing my future mate. And because I considered and experienced this reality, I told the girl I love, “Let’s have some time off.” And I realized because I am not stupid, I am stupid indeed.
Epilogue- Three days later, she called me to say goodbye, but somehow she felt touched once again-still do not have any clue how- albeit my harsh words. It was a hot reconciliation. Indeed so hot that it melted all socioeconomic barriers between us. And I realized once again that most guys including me are jerks. I am sorry!
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