Go Bears... I Guess

(c) http://www.themaulerinstitute.com/images/universities/berkeley-campus.jpg

By: Dennis Moon | English Columnist

You finally open your eyes to the sound of the alarm. 9:36AM. You think to yourself, humans weren’t meant to wake up at such ungodly hours. Quickly glancing over, your roommate is already gone. The fellow probably woke up to one of the five—maybe six—alarms you deftly snoozed, and went to the 8:00 AM discussion section you’re also in. You promptly perform some mental gymnastics, justifying why the section is useless and you don’t need to attend.

As if second nature, you open up Facebook to the 3 notifications awaiting you. All of them are tags on overused, stale memes: a Haas snake meme, 1.2k reacts; a failed 61A midterm meme, 1.1k reacts; and another Free Speech Week Milo meme. Actually, the last one is not bad. You give it a hearty chuckle. Heh. You check your spicy original content post. Less than 400 likes. These people don’t know the first thing about a good meme.

It was only a quick glance at your phone, but it’s 10:24AM already. Maybe it’s time to get up, and some preparation in order. You showered one and a half days ago. Anyone special to see today? Nope. The shower can wait. You faintly remember reading some article that showering too much is bad, and somehow your passion for environmentalism only burns at moments like these. You brush your teeth, do a water splashing ritual that’s supposed to be washing your face, wear the first thing you see in the wardrobe, and finally head out.

12:32PM. Lecture was stupefyingly boring… or you assume so. You didn’t actually pay attention because being two weeks behind, none of it makes sense anyways. You lie to yourself that you’ll catch up by the end of the week. Deep down you know you won’t, and regret it after the midterm. Oh well, being young is about making mistakes or something.

Come lunch time, you do a daily routine walk down Telegraph in search of a place to eat. It seems as if there’s a variety of places to eat, but when you put your mind to it, nothing pops out. As you pass the Organic Coup, you glance to left with a faint, glimmering hope: maybe, just maybe… But alas, the sun did not rise from the west today, and the Chipotle line is just as long as usual. Cheese ’n Stuff again it is.

1:03PM. Next on the daily checklist is, of course, coffee. There’s about four cafes on every block in Berkeley, but you cannot get coffee anywhere. You’re a coffee connoisseur. You drink so much coffee it’s wonder how your blood isn’t blackish-brown. At the counter inside 1951, you order an iced mocha.

“That’ll be four fifty, please.”

Four and a half dollars for a cup of milk with some bitter bean squeezed water. This is why capitalism needs to fall.  While waiting for the coffee, you mindlessly browse Facebook on an $999 iPhone X (read “ten”), of which you don’t even use half of the features, nor tenth of the 256GB storage. And as you exit the shop, sipping on the overpriced drink, you worry about landing a six figure salary job for post-graduation.

Walking into Moffitt Library, you flash your student ID sticking halfway out of your wallet. In response, the student guard gives it the most cursory glance. Formalities, really. You could show any white card with some navy and gold tints, and they’ll most likely let you in. Once you enter, you immediately regret your actions and wonder why you even bothered. Finding a seat on public transportation during rush hour is probably easier than finding one in Moffitt. With a stroke of luck, however, you’ve managed yourself a seat in Main Stacks. You promise yourself to get some work done, but a previously unclosed Reddit page greets you upon opening the laptop. Hold on, this post looks interesting…

After four horrific hours in Main Stacks, you’ve returned to your room. It can’t possibly be healthy to stay in that dungeon for too long. The percentage of that time spent being productive was… a number better left unrevealed. However, the night is still young at 6:30PM, and the project will be finished. As you microwave some leftovers for dinner, a thought crosses your mind. One episode of Game of Thrones while eating can’t do harm, right?

It’s 10:34PM. How gravely mistaken you were. You try to figure out how one episode turned into four. The script writers are simply too good at their jobs. Just as you’re about to open that project—

Ding. “Hey join us for a few games.”

No. The project needs to be finished, and nothing can entice you. You open the project description for the first time, and with willpower squeezed from every inch of your body, you reject your friend’s offer.

Ding. “There’s an event for the new content that’s only available today.”

For the love of all things holy on god’s green Earth, why must the devil play its tricks at this moment? You quickly calculate how many slip days you have left before booting up the game.

1:00AM. Your eyelids feel heavy. Not at all surprising, really, considering how early you got up this morning. They say a good night’s sleep is better equivalent to any amount of studying (who “they” are is only a minor detail you need not worry about). You will get work done in the morning.

HA. This YouTuber always gets you, and this new video is quality. It’s finally time to get some sleep. You exit YouTube to set alarms for the morning. It’s 2:30AM now so if you set it for—wait what? You could have sworn you only watched, like, two videos.

Nothing can save you at this point, except maybe a hyperbolic time chamber. This project needs to be done, so you aim for the morning. With alarms set from 6 to 9AM at thirty minute intervals, you slip into the end of another day.