Incandescent

Incandescent

The darkness gives me comfort. A space to think, away from the fast-paced society that demands to be noticed like a child whining for attention. And within the darkness, I often spiral down in unending pessimism, afflicted by the world and the people in it, simply tired of human interaction and our desire to be accepted. Because what of all this lasts, anyway?

There’s something about the inherent nature of people that scares me. You never know what their intentions are, or if the few phrases casually exchanged will be blown up in another set of ears two miles away. 

Gossip is a sword of its own. 

Able to attack from behind, cutting one down with each spoken word. Some people are just too good at putting forward an amiable facade, masking their inner Joe Goldberg. But really, how can we trust anything that can speak? A faint buzz of whispers creeps in my head as I lie in bed. Paranoia gets the worst of me. 

I truly don’t understand why humans were introduced to this earth. The beauty of nature is only dampened by us people in it, the case of global warming serving as evidence. Mother nature already had a blueprint, why not let her keep the wheel? Sure, we’re capable of a few good samaritan acts along the way; maybe that’s why I cling onto stories from The Dodo- for hope in humanity. To assure myself that there’s still some benefit to our presence. But to be blatantly honest, I say fuck Anne Frank’s ideals because most people are inherently evil at heart. Scientists say we’re compassionate animals, but I say our high order thinking twists our brains to be more selfish than selfless, to hurt than to be hurt.

Imagine a world without humans. No oddly bent metal frames pumping poisonous gas onto the earth. No bulldozers annihilating homes to replace with concrete jungles. No artificial bulbs staging an empty street- darkness when there’s supposed to be. My God, just feel its peace. 

But since we’re not going to all jump from buildings tomorrow.

All we can do as inhabitants of this world is to keep breathing, talking, hearing, and living. In this mess, we find a way to survive. To prosper. Some choose to thrive as snakes, like the infamous Haas mascot, while others choose to be more benevolent actors. And as we live by our chosen principles, we get hurt by those that go against them, but find joy in the few that understand. The few successful interactions exude warmth, giving us a reason to keep trying. They’re enough to keep us going, fueling our hearts as we crave comfort in them.

 The world is too scary to live alone. And yes, the very people in it is a large part of what makes it frightening, but the handful that emit genuinity and warmth are enough to keep me sane. These small incidents accumulate to light a bulb in the darkness where I’ve garnered my cynicism, pulling me out of what I thought was comfort in being unseen. Because sometimes, being seen and exposing yourself to critique is what gives you a better chance of survival in this world. Life is merely a long journey to death, and though introducing some warmth won’t save you from the impending ending, at least it makes the road less lonely and gives some guidance on what to avoid.